A positive test

Just a day before the positive test

My husband and I always knew we wanted our first two kid to be close in age. When Gavin was about five months old my hubby told me he was ready to try for another one. I laughed at him, but it is a conversation we had many times after that. I wanted them to be no closer than eighteen months. When Gavin was nine months old it seemed totally crazy to start trying for another. We still had a baby! But I thought it would take a while to get pregnant so we decided to start trying. Much to our surprise it took no time at all. We went home to Utah for the Christmas of 2009 and I was just feeling off. I had a massive headache and decided to take a pregnancy test to make sure it was okay for me to take meds. My gut was telling me I was pregnant, while my head was saying there was no way it had happened already.
I went to the bathroom and was mixed with relief and disappointment when I didn't see the line appear instantly. The tests usually say to wait three minutes, but with Gavin it had shown up instantly. So after about a minute I tossed it in the trash and walked out of the bathroom. I started getting ready for our night out. The headache was still raging so I wanted to grab some Excedrin from my mom. I walked down the hall to ask her for some, when I had the feeling that I should go check the test once more since it had now been much longer than three minutes.

Much to my surprise, there was a faint line where there hadn't been one before. I was shocked. I called Jim in to look at it to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Jim was excited and pulled me in for a big hug and kiss. He was genuinely thrilled with the news. My first thoughts however, went to labor. I was momentarily terrified because I was going to have to do that again. I do not seem to be affected by birth amnesia like some moms claim to have.  My next thoughts were those along the lines of
"I just got my body back and now I start all over."  And since Gavin was still sleeping horribly,
"How am I going to ever sleep again?"
As quickly as those thoughts came to mind, guilt swept in for thinking them. After all it had happened fast, but it wasn't unplanned. We hoped for two kids close together and I was getting what I wanted. Plus, a baby is always a blessing. The shocked stayed around for a couple of days, accompanied by the anxiety and guilt. But the more we talked about it, the more comfortable I was feeling. I became excited to start the process of pregnancy that I had found so amazing the first time all over again.  I was excited to have another new born. I was excited that my first two would be close in age, and I kept imagining two little boys that would be the best of friends.
As the months went by and my excitement grew, I still felt fear at what labor would bring. And that fear made me feel like a bad mother. Yes labor with Gavin was a difficult experience for me, but it was worth it. I would relive that day ten times again if I had to to get him here. So why was I letting that fear compete with my excitement for the new baby? If I was a good mother, none of it should matter. That little thought hung in the back of my mind for a long time.

The day Griffin was born was another traumatic experience, but in a whole different way from Gavin. I started fearing what my third labor will be like almost the minute my second was over. But as I loved that little newborn Griffin, the guilt for my fear was gone. I realized it is okay to be a little afraid of things that won't be easy, and I realized that that is what sacrifice is all about. We don't have to look forward to the difficult things we will face in life. As a mother, you don't have to be excited about  labor and  delivery, sleepless nights, extra baby weight, stretch marks, and heart burn. You don't have to be excited for temper tantrums, and grumpy teething babies.  But doing it anyway, choosing to be a mother despite the tough or scary things ahead, is what starts us on the path to becoming great mothers.