Loving every moment

Five years ago I was a newlywed living in Baltimore, Maryland. I was soaking in being married, and busy dreaming and planning for our future. I met a dear friend who I instantly adored. Kristi was the sweetest person I have ever met.  She had an adorable little two year old girl. I watched them interact together and thought Kristi was the perfect mom.  I remember a conversation we had about motherhood where Kristi told me she had loved every minute of being a mother.  I could see the love just radiated out of her and I knew she meant it.  I remember this day so clearly because I decided that that is the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I wanted to enjoy it, and not get stressed and uptight.  I wanted to love every minute I had with my kids.  I wanted them to be my primary focus.  I wanted to never raise my voice and discipline with kindness. I knew that tough times would come, but I wanted to never complain about my children to others.
Today as I was walking home I thought about that day, as I have many other times. Needless to say, I have not lived up to my original desires.  I have complained, raised my voice, and sometimes lost focus. But during my first two years of motherhood I can honestly say I enjoyed every moment.  Even when Gavin was a horrible sleeper, I wasn't angry or frustrated with him, I just had compassion.  I knew things were hard for him and I wanted to do all I could to help.  Through many ear infection I cuddled that little boy all through the night.  When he had H1N1 flu as a tiny guy, I loved him even more as he was vomiting and so sick. My heart was overwhelmed with compassion. While I didn't enjoy the sickness, I was so grateful that I could be his mother to help him through being so sick.  I lived to be a mom to my sweet little boy.

Griffin came a long, and he was the sweetest, most perfect baby you could ever imagine. But as Gavin grew older he grew more demanding.  He still slept worse than his newborn baby brother, and the lack of sleep started to take it's tole. I started to let homesickness enter. I missed my family and my in-laws and dreamed about being back in Utah where I could have a little help and support.  My husband was gone a lot of late nights for graduate school, and so much of the time, I felt like a single mom.  I saw dear friends move away and I was so jealous of their moving on in life.  I let loneliness replace some of my contentment in motherhood.  Some days I stopped living, and started just surviving.  I bid my time just making it through the day, or week, to the weekend where I knew I would have some adult time. I craved adult interaction and went through the day numbly, not relishing my time with my sweet baby boys. I didn't react to their mistakes with patience and love, but was quick to be annoyed. 

 It didn't take me long to realize I was not happy with how I was living my life.  That is not how I had pictured motherhood.  I loved my boys more than anything, but my heart was not always in it. I kept wishing for the future, instead of enjoying the present. I prayed for help, and realized I had the power to change.  I decided I needed to start living and not just surviving.  I chose to wake up with a purpose.  I switched my focus from pitying my own struggles to finding fun things to experience with my boys.  I tried to find simple ways to serve my husband, to help him through his tough times and let him know I loved him instead of focusing on my sorry lot of missing him all the time.  I joined a book club and loved reading the books and getting together with the ladies once a month.  Oh how a good book can revive one's soul and transplant you to a different world for a while!  I encouraged a group of girls in my church to get a weekly playgroup going again.  I realized that I needed those friendships and interaction for myself so I could be the best mom I could be. And it benefited my sweet little boys to have that interaction with the other children.  When I made the effort, I started to thrive in my roll as a mother, and find great joy in it once again.    
 I learned a great lesson through this experience.  Life is what we make of it.  We can not wait for others to swoop in and save us from our loneliness, or whatever the trial may be.  We have the choice to become what we want to become.  It is up to us to live our lives and find the joy in the journey.  It is up to us to love every moment we are given.  I am definitely not perfect in this goal, so I decided to use this blog to help me find the beauty and joy all around me, and to help me remember to live and love every single moment. When you look for it, there are blessings and joy all around us. Life is precious and can change in the blink of an eye.  I don't want to waist one moment.